All day long I had felt like a failure. I was constantly yelling at my babies because
they were constantly letting me down.
They were incredibly disobedient and inconsiderate all day long. 5, 3 and 1 year olds ought to know
better. Right?!?
But I knew that I was the one who ought to know better. I had been on this earth for almost 33
years. I should know how to control my
anger by now. But I was failing over and
over and over again today. So I quickly stopped
and prayed and gathered some wisdom from the Bible. There.
Problem solved.
Then nap time was over.
The kids were back to their same old shenanigans. Why did these kids constantly do the same
disobedient things over and over and over again??
And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.
I want to do what is right, but I can’t.
I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it
anyway. (Romans 7:18-19)
And I was back to my same old anger issues. Why did I keep yelling at my kids over and
over again?? I needed to stop!! But it was more important that THEY stop
being disobedient. I had anger issues,
but they drove me to it.
Finally I had had it.
It was time to clean their room and put them straight to bed. I barked at them over and over and over
again. How could they forget that many
times that they were supposed to be putting things away instead of
playing? It’s like they had an attention
span of a…sigh…5 and 3 year old. But
still. I had had it.
Then all of a sudden I found something that the 3 year old
had purposely broken. Why was this kid
so destructive?!? I started to yell at
him at the top of my lungs. He just
looked at me, not too surprised since I had been yelling all day. But I wasn’t satisfied with the first few
seconds of yelling. I felt justified to
keep yelling until I could get a whole day’s worth of frustration out into the
face of this little boy.
Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back. (Proverbs 29:11)
Only it wasn’t satisfying.
After a few more seconds of yelling, I saw the change come over his
face. His mouth turned down and quivered
and his eyes filled up. At the same time
that his sobs came, my sobs also
came. I rushed toward my crying boy and
took him into my arms and begged for his forgiveness.
Then I fell to the floor and knelt, hunched over in the
middle of my boys’ room sobbing deep, uncontrollable, sorrowful sobs. Through the tears I kept begging my boys for forgiveness. They granted it and left the room. They were usually so loving so I didn’t know
why they left. I had really blown
it. I cried out to God and asked Him for
forgiveness. I was broken. I needed His help. I just continued to sob and sob and sob.
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1)
Then my 5 year old walked back in. He shoved something in front of my face. I didn’t know what it was right away through
the blur of tears, so he gently shook it to motion for me to take it. It was the Bible from my nightstand.
Oh, what a torrent of emotions rushed through my mind and
heart at that moment!! I was shocked at
his thoughtfulness and wisdom. I was
prouder than I had ever been of him. I
was so humbled at the undeserved kindness he offered me. I was convicted of my need of the very thing
he handed me. I cried harder…a mixture
of sadness and pure joy. It touched me
deeply.
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking,
correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be
thoroughly equipped for every good work.
(2 Timothy 3:16-17)
Then silently he left again, the 3 year old at his
heels. He was gone for several minutes
and I had no idea what he was doing, but I could hear them in the kitchen. I heard the stool being moved around and
cupboard doors being opened and shut and little voices talking to each other.
But I was still broken and in need of my Savior. I prayed out loud through my cries and told
God that I could not get control of my anger without His help. I needed Him.
I was through trying to fix this problem on my own.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
My boys came back. Again
my 5 year old handed something to me…he had made me a cup of coffee!! My sobs picked back up again. I was so touched. How could they offer me such love and
kindness after the way I had treated them??
I just could not possibly be any prouder of them.
The 5 year old was setting such an admirable example for the
3 year old and he wanted in on it. He
tried helping me take deep breaths…the very thing I always do with him when he
can’t stop crying. It was so sweet...but they didn’t want stop with just that!
The 3 year old prepared a sippy cup of water
for me…so precious. The 5 year old covered me with a blanket, had me lay back on a pillow, surrounded
me with cozy stuffed animals, put an instrumental CD in his player and brushed
my hair. He also wrote a sweet note
and gave it to me. I read them verses
from my Bible about controlling our anger and obeying our parents. We prayed together. It was such a sweet time together.
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as
God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians
4:32)
They left the room to go make paper fans so they could come
back and fan me. As I
was laying there by myself I was tempted to clean up the “mess” and put them to
bed and call it a day. But I thought, how
often do I get to be pampered by my boys?
So I just lay back, relaxed and stared straight ahead. Straight in front of me was the open door of
the boys’ closet…and the perfect image of a cross staring down at me.
Just like I didn’t deserve my boys’ grace, forgiveness,
kindness and love in that moment, I also didn’t deserve Christ’s grace,
forgiveness, kindness and love. I didn’t
deserve His sacrifice on the cross and His gift of eternal life. What a deeply impacting example of Christ’s
unconditional love my boys had set for me.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still
sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans
5:8)
As I was tucking the 3 year old into bed a little later, he
asked, “Remember when we helped you stop crying?” “Yes, Sweetheart. I remember.
And I will remember it for the rest of my life.”
